~Oi....What a rough year...~

.....So time has passed since the last blog entry, and it's probably a good thing for right now. There has been so much turmoil and hatred going on its been unbearable yet unbelievable.
Gone is the fun loving , joking conversations...the occasional "Hi...We miss you how have you been? How are the kids?"
Now I am calling myself the outsider in this ONLY because it is happening on my wife's side of the family. This is the side of the family that was a little bigger and a little closer in years past.
I guess in a nutshell, alot of it stems from the occasional problem sector in her family. (I say this because they are the branch of the family tree known for causing problems, shake-ups, dissention; just to paint the picture)
Commonly known as Napoleon and Blanche , they have two children, Pat the oldest, and Paris a little younger. I will give you a catch up so that you can understand this branch.
Napoleon had found new wealth in his business of "Spacely Sprockets". As time grew on they began to separate their children and themselves from the "Blue Collar" side of the family. Such a shame due to the fact that they are a hardworking bunch that provided their families all of their lives with a good home and food on the table. To give you an idea, Blanche separated herself from her own father due to a disagreement that never was resolved. Her father passed away in the middle of the dispute with the two not talking or doing things families do.
Fast forward to recent. Blanches' daughter , Paris called home to inform her mother she was currently in the hospital, nearby Rm # 7734 giving birth to her first child as they spoke.
Why is this so odd?? Paris was living at home, with her family...NOT ONE person had a clue that she was even pregnant.( Can you say Parent/Child relationship issues?) I would bet my house though if you asked Blanche how many bottles of wine she had in her wine cellar and even the years of each bottle...she would flawlessly pass the test.So after the shock we will comeback to this later.We will reference this as Breakdown #1 ( BD1)
So time passes and after adjustments and 10 different stories here and 10 different stories there, we have come to realize that we still didn't know what happened behind closed doors. All we know is the family had been blessed with a new addition that was loved so dear...Baby Zoe.
Zoe was a carbon copy of her Mom. The Dad was told to stay out of the picture by Napoleon,and this is the story we have. Zoe is a such a Happy Baby , bright, intelligent and she could count to 10 in English and Spanish before she was even close to her second birthday.
Grandma Blanche and Grandpa Napoleon, loved her dearly. They spent countless hours with her and bringing her to see the family.Blanche often was perceived as assuming Zoe was hers. By the way she had her, and acted toward her...she even badmouthed Paris to the family members.
Nobody saw this as strange due to the way Blanche and Napoleon always had to out speak/outdo everyone and everything.
Fall had come and it was Zoe's birthday. Little did anyone know this would be the start of a deep dark downward spiral. Paris' parents had been on her constantly about many things. Telling Paris, now 24 yrs old, how and when to run her life. They started to meddle in her relationships refused for Paris to take Zoe places. Paris was not allowed to take Zoe to a family outing to see all their aunts and uncles.
There are two sides to every story. One states Paris was never home. She wouldn't come home from work and she was always drinking and partying with the Blue Collars. The flips side states that she would ask the Grandma if she could be with friends for a bit and made arrangements to not be there on certain times. Somewhere wires had been crossed and there had been a breakdown in communication. The fires were starting to build.
Paris had been hanging out with a new friend/interest who she had found out was still very much married, with several kids. She would talk to him and he, "Sly", would state he was in the midst of a divorce and it would be a matter of signing papers. Paris was falling...Sly was extremely kind to her and her daughter.He was Mature in his dealings and was about 18 yrs older than herself. This didn't bode well with the Bonaparte's'. How dare there daughter embarrass their good name. In comes Breakdown#2 (BD2)
Now Paris has been dating a married man? * How dare she. He was successful and older and married. ** "She WILL stop this at once ! "
Tensions were high. The next part of this story is in question. As I am the Author of this blog, I'm going to tell it as I believe.
Paris had moved out, and had permission to go out with friends for the night. She would pick up Zoe the next day.
Early in the morning she was awaken by someone rattling her doors and banging on windows. Scared and fearful she finally recognized he Father's voice. He was MAD. She cannot remember the last time she heard him so upset. Yelling ,banging using profanity. She got out of bed to go let him in. He came inside and was staring at his daughter and her guest, Sly.
She has told the story that he then proceeded to pull a gun out. He pointed the gun at the two of them and told Sly to get the hell out of there. Sly asked if he could get his shoes...and was told in so many words it wouldn't be a great idea.
Later on charges were filed and charges eventually dropped. Paris had called the Sheriff to protect herself and her friend.When thinking it may not be a good idea as she watched the sheriffs handcuff her father and take him away, she asked if she could drop the charges. She was told that once a complaint was filed and there was a firearm involved...it was out of their hands. The prosecutor had to carry it out for every ones safety. (BD3)
The family was split. Paris was afraid and seeked help from her relatives. She called her closest Aunt to her. Her Aunt took her in. Here was her niece, terrified, shaken, in a tailspin. She didn't have alot of money and Blanche and Napoleon refused to let her get any of Zoe's articles or essentials.
Blanche started posting things on all the social media.Facebook etc. The family was puzzled.It just stated to pray for Napoleon...Did he die, was he hurt??? WTH???
It was Thanksgiving, a couple of weeks since all had gone down.Paris didn't know what her and Zoe were to do. She never had established credit. Everything had been put under the Bonaparte's umbrella. She reached out to other family members...Her Uncle snubbed her,her own Grandmother ignored her...her cousins and other Grandparents had heard and cast her aside.Attempts by John to call and help patch the bleeding was told basically that Paris was considered "Dead" to them. They didn't care if she was living out of a box under an overpass.
Because her other relatives had heart and took their niece in , they betrayed Napoleon and Blanche . Blanche has gone on to bad mouth , spread untruths, and made everyone believe her own daughter had a disease.Not to befriend her, not to send her money, not to send Baby Zoe anything as all it would do is help Paris.
Paris is doing well....she has been a great mom....she has taken a job and within a couple months gotten promoted . Still living the life of the Hatfield's and McCoys.......so sad.

~Is it me or......

We have a crazy morning ritual. Since I left my job over a year ago , to pursue something different, it is my responsibility for Johnny and Janey. So...when the alarm goes off in the morning, Jane rolls over to "Tell me" that my alarm is going off. ( Lets backtrack... For years the alarm was ALWAYS on my nightstand....Since we moved into our other house, Jane insists to be on the side of the bed that used to be frequented by me...I think she wants to see the TV better without a big pole from our bed in the middle...so she REFUSES to move or move the alarm clock...) so when she tells me that "My alarm is going off...it means.."Get up out of bed NOW...shut off the damn alarm....and get the kids off to school." Mind you that Johnny and Janey are 17 and 12....with their own alarms.
So to make things more confusing, when she tells me to wake up Johnny , she groggily tells me..."Wake up Johnny and DO NOT....let him take those Boxing gloves to school! "
Now wait a minute. Am I missing something? Did she just say that? OR am I a sleepy mess...OR is there something I should know about..? Well either way , I am now "Officially" screwed! "
A) If I asked her what she just said I am either "Nutz" and an A@@ hole for waking her up. or
B) An Insensitive Jerk who "Never listens anymore"and doesn't care about anything or anyone but myself. (Thanks Cosmopolitan for ALL of the above!!!!) or
C) Asking Johnny what she means by not bringing his Boxing Gloves to school. BUT Johnny IS his Mother's child in the morning , and has been going through the "I have met PUBERTY head on and my parents are Awkward, Weird, Stupid, Disgusting, Annoying and I don't wanna talk to them until I want money"...stage.
So now comes time to make a decision....I can feel another strand of hair turning gray....
I am going to ASSUME....(Yep there it is folks...that word) that knowing my wife.I'm gonna go with that she is groggy and dreaming....ONLY because I haven't seen any boxing gloves laying in the middle of the floor or on the dinner table lately..
Ok so Janey catches her bus.....Johnny is done complaining and out the door. Everything is goooood for another chaotic morning.....Bzzzzzzzzzzz NOT!
As I settle down with a hot cup of Java to wake up and ponder about the "Boxing Glove " debacle, the Green Manalishi raises its head from a deep sleep....
"J-O-H-N-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Oh no..........I recognize THAT tone!!!!!! DAMN Now what...??? What did I do...Did I put that damn toilet seat down? Is her Diet coke supply stocked?
"Yeah???" I reply...
"Where is Johnny? Did you get him up? Its 7:00 a.m.!!!!! "
HA!!! Once again I am a step ahead of her, I am thinking.... So I reply with a swagger..."Johnny is up and he is gone...he left 5 minutes ago.."
Well you guessed it...That was NOT the end.....
"Well I didn't HEAR him leave....Are you sure? He will be late and he can't be late..He has missed too many days and he needs to graduate...blah blah blah blah blah....."
Me....getting a bit perturbed because I feel like its wasted conversation, I guess, and I just want to get my sentence in so it can be DONE with so I can move on for the day.
"Yeeessss, I am sure. I woke him up, he showered , he took his lunch and he is gone." There...I got it out, will she just let it go now? I know she was sleeping and I know she didnt HEAR him leave but really HE IS GONE. Enough said....
But here it comes...I cant resist.... why not just drink my cup of "Shut the Hell Up"? Nope too late.
" Jane ....he is gone and he didn't take his damn boxing gloves with him..!" There I said it.
Now what seems like eternity, and once again I ask ...WHY? Why I just don't zip it shut.
I think I like the "One up theory" as I like to call it. It must be a Scorpio thing.
So I wait for a reply and there is silence.
So There i go AGAIN!!.. " ... AND HE LEFT HIS BOXING GLOVES HERE AT HOME!!!"
Now I move closer for the answer I cannot wait til I get a reply... (slowly...quietly...ooops did you hear that noise it was a pin dropping...or maybe it seemed like forever for my satisfaction, that it was the New Year horns coming in..) I hear an inhale...she is gonna fall into my trap....

" A@@hole!!!!!!!" she replies.

Baddaboom Baddabing!!! Yes!!! Score John 1 Jane 0 wooo hoo

List Of Characters ~

Lets start with myself... John...Im the main character and writing from my standpoint and opinions.

Jane~ My wife and daughter of Mary

Johnny~ Son

Janey ~ Daughter

Mary~ mother in Law , MIL, Grandma etc.

(Names are facetious)

And other characters will be introduced as they are mentioned. Thanks!!!

First things first....

Ok, to get started where did the name come from? When I experience a bizarre, not so normal, encounter that is totally unexplainable....I tell my Mother in Law it HAS to be her fault. How could something like this happen...??? Of course the only LOGICAL answer to the MADNESS it had to have come from her. ( If you know her, you would know that HER kids could do no wrong..No way, ABSOLUTELY not.) Therefore , for self healing , I tell her it had to have a common denominator perse' .... her womb. Yes kind of like the modern day " 7 degrees of separation " All explainable or justifiable solutions to the madness of her kids, get sent back to the family fallopian tubes....the "Loins Extraordinaire"....Which by coincidence, has a movie with a similar title....."Something About Mary" , which happens to be her name...
Now you know, and maybe this will help you navigate to the HIW tags from here on out.

Enjoy!